Fast Forward

I'm not going to bother with telling you what's gone on the past year or so. I feel like every post so far on this blog has been me vaguely talking about what's happen since I last posted. So, I'll give you the quick, post-it note version.

Lily has turned 4 and just started Pre-school.
Ash is awake, and has been able to walk on his own two legs (with the help of crutches, and now a cane). He's still in rehabilitation. But so far, he's...healthy.

Surprise! I'm pregnant! :)


So that's what's up here at the McKinnley's house! I'll try and post again soon, but it's bedtime.


Forever Love,

Ash,
Clary,
Lily,
+One

There will be a time in everyone's life when everything is right in the world. 

Right now, this minute, is perfect.

Updates soon to come. :)

Closing Summer

This summer has been quite the tumultuous one.
Ash in a comatose state. Lily a happy toddler, seemingly oblivious to the difficult world around her.
I was talking to Lily this morning as she played with her toys in the middle of her room. I had to tell her now, before she gets too enveloped in her stories. Now, before she questioned why I was watching her from the rocking chair, and not getting ready to go to work.
Lily, Daddy may never wake up. He's getting even more sick than before, even though he's sleeping. I watched her reaction as she set down her toys and looked up at me. Those big eyes blinking.
"Daddy's not sleeping anymore, Mommy." She simply stated, before going back to her toys. Having Lily say that, made me angry. I felt my face flush and my fists clench. It reminded me how young I am. If I hadn't had Lily, I would still be a legal adult, but I'd be a kid to everyone else. I'd be in college, or traveling, or doing something other than my daily routine of taking care of a three year old child and visiting a husband who's hospital-bed bound. My anger turned into embarrassment, and I hid in the bathroom while I cried. Somewhere while I was in there, I suddenly realized Lily's words.
"What do you mean he's not sleeping anymore?" Lily was fully engrossed in her game, and turned to look at me with a frown. "He was in my dream and said that."
From that, I gathered Lily and raced to the hospital. I was dreading what I would find there more than hoping for the best. Things like this mean they've passed on, right? Coming to dreams and telling their kids they love them and that they'll see each other soon?
But when we raced through the halls, the doctor and nurse came out of his room and saw me, and mentioned they were just about to call me down, but I didn't hear a thing they said, because when I looked in his room, he was still laying down, his color still pale, but his eyes were open.My heart dropped for a moment. When people die, their eyes remain open, right?
But then he blinked, and Lily let go of my hand and ran in. "Daddy!" filled my ears, and in months, I saw my husband, my Ash, smile.
He needs to relearn how to walk, and say some things. He also doesn't remember about a week before he went into his coma, so when he learned he missed Lily's birthday, I could tell he was really hurt.
But he remembered us, which I am thankful for.
I didn't want to leave him, but Lily had fallen asleep, and I have to work (from home, thankfully) tomorrow.
Ash is awake.

Much Love.

Time

There are days, like today, that I feel that time is slipping through my hands like water. Time is not the only thing that is slipping away, but it has by far the biggest impact.
I left on a business trip on the sixth. I was out of communication for a while (which is not normal) and it tore me up. I visit Ash every day in the hospital. I tuck Lily into bed and read her a story every night. I make her breakfast every morning, even if I have to get up early, I make it to go for her. I call her when I'm at work. Being out of communication, which was once such a normal thing for every human being, is now close to impossible. For more than a week, I couldn't see my Lily. She could've said a hard word, or learned something new. Ash could've woken up suddenly, or had a seizure. I wouldn't have been there with them through it. I wouldn't have learned until today, when I came into the airport.
Time. Humans hold onto it so dearly. Just yesterday, I was a small child, it seemed. Now look, I have a child. I have a husband, who once was able to carry me over the threshold after our wedding. Where has all the time gone?
I cherish time. Time I get with anyone is never wasted.

Today, when I went and saw Ash, he had color in his face. Ash has been in a coma for a little over a month. He doesn't have the thick black hair he used to due to the many surgeries he's had the past few weeks. His latest was two and a half weeks ago, and since then, he's been well. His brain is no longer swelling due to seizures.
The doctors said he could wake up from a matter of days to weeks. But only when he chooses.
I hope it's soon.


I hope, I hope, I hope.....

Much love.

Hope

I still have hope.

This morning, the doctors called and said Ash's brain is no longer swelling. This could mean he has a chance. Cross your fingers.

I have a good feeling about this. Good News is just on the horizon!

Return

Four years ago, I was a silly teen. I was looking forward to being eighteen, to be out of my mother's house. I was looking forward to finding the love of my life. I was craving getting out of Washington, out of the rain. Only four months later, would I find I was pregnant at 17. I was the girlfriend of my best friend. I would be disowned from my mother. I would be called names. I would lose my best girl friends, because they no longer liked the labels they received by being in my company.

Three Years ago, I was a new mother. Lillian Rose Jessica Ann Laura Lee M., was born. I decided I wanted to go to college. I wanted to be the best I could be for Lily. I would later get married to Ash. I would later discover my father had another family. I would later be the bridesmaid to one of Ash's sisters. I would later see a very bright future.

Two years ago, I was introducing my one-year old to taking care of Daddy. I was studying to be a Dental Hygienist. I was balancing toddlers with being twenty. I was dealing with depression. I would later deal with running to the hospital with Ash. I would later lock myself in the bathroom, crying, wondering what was wrong with my husband. I would later lose my job. I would later move in with Ash's family. I would later have to explain to Lily why she only got one present on Christmas. 

One year ago, I was hoping for a new start. I was happier. I was living in our own house. I was taking classes. I was introduced to the meaning of "terrible twos". I was happy. I was adapting. I would later be told that Ash's tumor is removable. I would later sit in a waiting room for the longest twelve hours waiting for my husband to get out of surgery. I would later see him smile. I would later be shocked by new results. I would later research Lou Gehrig's disease. I would later learn how to respond when a seizure struck.

Today, I am stuck between happiness and the opposite. I spent my daughter's third birthday at a park as well as next to Daddy's hospital bed. I have learned how to feed through a feeding tube. I have gotten a job that pays the bills and allows Lily to be comfortable. I have learned how to raise my baby girl by myself. I have yet to learn how to tell a three year old, so young in life, yet so smart already, that Daddy may never get up again. I don't know what my future brings, or what will happen.

It's been a long time, and I am terribly sorry for the brutal and somewhat depressing opening. As you can tell, its been a hard year for this family. I won't go into it, that is for some other time, perhaps when I have a cup of tea next to me. But for now, what you get is what's above. 

I have a few goals for the summer, despite my very busy schedule. I want to keep blogging. I miss the few followers I gained through my past blog, as well as Ash's internet "skillz" as he once said it. 

Tomorrow, I will blog again.

Forever love.

Wednesday Blues

Today is wednesday.
Allergies are still ruling the house, but they're better now. It's been raining this week, so there hasn't been much excitement to this week. Just laying back, family time, etc.
This is one of Ash's exceptionally bad days, so forgive the solemn tone in this post. Ash hasn't been able to get up today because of one of his migraines. They make him horribly sick. Luckily, I took today off (this just means I have to work friday, which I don't usually do.) and cared for Lily so he could get better. Tomorrow, if he's not better I'll have to call a nurse. Days like these scare me to death.
I better go.

My Love,
Clary & Ash
+Lily