Time

There are days, like today, that I feel that time is slipping through my hands like water. Time is not the only thing that is slipping away, but it has by far the biggest impact.
I left on a business trip on the sixth. I was out of communication for a while (which is not normal) and it tore me up. I visit Ash every day in the hospital. I tuck Lily into bed and read her a story every night. I make her breakfast every morning, even if I have to get up early, I make it to go for her. I call her when I'm at work. Being out of communication, which was once such a normal thing for every human being, is now close to impossible. For more than a week, I couldn't see my Lily. She could've said a hard word, or learned something new. Ash could've woken up suddenly, or had a seizure. I wouldn't have been there with them through it. I wouldn't have learned until today, when I came into the airport.
Time. Humans hold onto it so dearly. Just yesterday, I was a small child, it seemed. Now look, I have a child. I have a husband, who once was able to carry me over the threshold after our wedding. Where has all the time gone?
I cherish time. Time I get with anyone is never wasted.

Today, when I went and saw Ash, he had color in his face. Ash has been in a coma for a little over a month. He doesn't have the thick black hair he used to due to the many surgeries he's had the past few weeks. His latest was two and a half weeks ago, and since then, he's been well. His brain is no longer swelling due to seizures.
The doctors said he could wake up from a matter of days to weeks. But only when he chooses.
I hope it's soon.


I hope, I hope, I hope.....

Much love.

Hope

I still have hope.

This morning, the doctors called and said Ash's brain is no longer swelling. This could mean he has a chance. Cross your fingers.

I have a good feeling about this. Good News is just on the horizon!

Return

Four years ago, I was a silly teen. I was looking forward to being eighteen, to be out of my mother's house. I was looking forward to finding the love of my life. I was craving getting out of Washington, out of the rain. Only four months later, would I find I was pregnant at 17. I was the girlfriend of my best friend. I would be disowned from my mother. I would be called names. I would lose my best girl friends, because they no longer liked the labels they received by being in my company.

Three Years ago, I was a new mother. Lillian Rose Jessica Ann Laura Lee M., was born. I decided I wanted to go to college. I wanted to be the best I could be for Lily. I would later get married to Ash. I would later discover my father had another family. I would later be the bridesmaid to one of Ash's sisters. I would later see a very bright future.

Two years ago, I was introducing my one-year old to taking care of Daddy. I was studying to be a Dental Hygienist. I was balancing toddlers with being twenty. I was dealing with depression. I would later deal with running to the hospital with Ash. I would later lock myself in the bathroom, crying, wondering what was wrong with my husband. I would later lose my job. I would later move in with Ash's family. I would later have to explain to Lily why she only got one present on Christmas. 

One year ago, I was hoping for a new start. I was happier. I was living in our own house. I was taking classes. I was introduced to the meaning of "terrible twos". I was happy. I was adapting. I would later be told that Ash's tumor is removable. I would later sit in a waiting room for the longest twelve hours waiting for my husband to get out of surgery. I would later see him smile. I would later be shocked by new results. I would later research Lou Gehrig's disease. I would later learn how to respond when a seizure struck.

Today, I am stuck between happiness and the opposite. I spent my daughter's third birthday at a park as well as next to Daddy's hospital bed. I have learned how to feed through a feeding tube. I have gotten a job that pays the bills and allows Lily to be comfortable. I have learned how to raise my baby girl by myself. I have yet to learn how to tell a three year old, so young in life, yet so smart already, that Daddy may never get up again. I don't know what my future brings, or what will happen.

It's been a long time, and I am terribly sorry for the brutal and somewhat depressing opening. As you can tell, its been a hard year for this family. I won't go into it, that is for some other time, perhaps when I have a cup of tea next to me. But for now, what you get is what's above. 

I have a few goals for the summer, despite my very busy schedule. I want to keep blogging. I miss the few followers I gained through my past blog, as well as Ash's internet "skillz" as he once said it. 

Tomorrow, I will blog again.

Forever love.